First of all, realize that although the Meezer has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the arena. Don't try to bathe the Meezer in an open area where he can force you to chase him (thereby covering everything in the house with soapy suds!) Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, you might find it advisable to get in the shower with the Meezer and close the sliding-glass door. (A simple shower curtain will not do--a berserk Meezer can shred a three-ply plastic shower curtain faster than he can fall asleep! If you don't currently have a shower in your bathroom, consider installing one before you attempt to bathe your Meezer!) Explain to the Meezer that you are simply inspecting the grout and need his expert opinion. (The Meezer will take this all in stride, as he knows his impressions are far more valuable than yours.)

Remember that the Meezer has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body given the opportunity. Your advantage here is that you are smarter than the Meezer (sure, right) and know how to dress to protect yourself. Recommended garb includes canvas overalls trucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves (like what is used to play with sharks), an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

Use the element of surprise on your Meezer. Pick up the Meezer nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Meezers will not usually notice your strange attire--they have little or no interest in fashion as a rule and are too preoccupied with themselves--and the fact you are supposedly carrying him to dinner will not strike him as odd since this is the treatment he feels he deserves.)

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door (quietly, so as not to alert the Meezer), step into the shower (humming is always a good way to distract a Meezer), slide the glass door shut, dip the Meezer in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have now begun one of the wildest forty-five seconds of your life.

Please note Meezers have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the situation is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to the Meezer for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give the Meezer another squirt of shampoo and back up like crazy, all the time trying to avoid claws and teeth. The Meezer will then spring free and fall back into the stream of water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for Meezers is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the Meezer must be dried. Novice Meezer bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point. However, usually the Meezer is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because, in case you care to look down, the Meezer is now semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. (Occasionally, however, the Meezer will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and encourage him toward your leg.)

Now, simply reach for the towel and wait. After you have stepped out of the shower, with the Meezer firmly attached to your leg, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry him.

This now concludes your experience with giving your Meezer a bath! Pour yourself a very stiff drink and collapse into the nearest chair. Vow that you will never be foolish enough to try that again! (After all, that is what professional groomers are for!)

In a few days, the Meezer will hopefully relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say to you for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you, except at meal times, when he will eat whatever you give him and then go back to ignoring you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine at this point.

You may be tempted to assume the Meezer is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule, he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you are insane enough to try to give him a bath. Bide your time; eventually the Meezer will come around (usually when he decides he needs a little more attention). Better yet, forget all the above and decide that the way he looks right now is just fine!

Borrowed and liberally altered from http://www.yuckles.com